Generally, we all desire to have a compatible mate to share the joys and sorrows of existing with. We all want that connection and touch that comes from being in a physical and emotional relationship. We all want and should be allowed to have the security, trust and bond that was designed for us to enjoy as humans.
It fascinates me how others feel they have a right to dictate how and when and who a single person, particularly a female mother, should conduct and choose and who with. Those of you that say it will come are usually in a relationship or are ignorant of the severity of issues that an ex-victim of narcissistic abuse faces when they are wanting what most people take for granted – normality, safety, trust!
Interestingly over the past couple of years there has been several opportunities for me to establish relationships with seemingly decent people. Yet the paralysis of fear and what ifs and flash backs of the monster who loved me to almost death intrude and I become terrified.
This pattern repeats over and over. The 5 of Cups looms over me like a shadow.. offering me a way out yet keeping me in the grip of grief.
I was pondering the division of the cups in the image. 3 strewn on the ground..the life blood trickling out on to the earth. The three of creativity, nurturing, already manifesting. The stream rushing past in front. So much gone already in that three. I glance over to the 2 standing. Only 2, duality and not yet created. What if I lose those 2 also. What will I be left with then?
Life is so full of risk and grief and frozen moments of fear. How do you finally once and for all walk away from that which has shattered and let it be. How do you balance out the extremes? That’s what the 2 is isn’t it? Learning to balance our reactions and actions.
Perhaps I’m not as ready to move forward as I thought I was. Perhaps it’s not yet time. I feel the clock ticking as I get older and less desirable. I feel the scars stretch and ache too much. Maybe he really did destroy my capacity for trusting in what might come. Maybe there is no one left who will have the strength and compassion to show me what I need.
I’m sick to death of looking at these spilled cups. So tired of trying to mop up the mess. Maybe that’s what my purpose is, to walk alone and carefully make sure these other 2 are safe always.
I don’t know. The 5 of Cups has followed me for so long it’s time I got rid of it somehow. I can see the little boat and 6 Swords in the distance. I can’t quite make out who’s at the helm. It’s slowly sailing closer. I shall be patient and continue to reflect on how far I’ve come as I take one last look at the 3 cups on the earth, but this time I will make sure I am holding the 2 clean full ones delicately in my hands.