I have had this major roadblock in my life for a couple of years now. It is a big dirty boulder. I visually see it as this great mass of huge rock that stands in my way and even when I chisel away at it, it’s a waste of time. I’m just one tiny person. No adequate tools for the job really. It sits firmly there. It’s the grand old 5 of cups. Not the Waite-Smith version. No, I’m looking at the stagnation of the 5 in Thoth. Disappointment. Not just at one small thing. At many many things. And it has me stuck. I’ve looked at many many angles and ways to budge this rock. Even thinking of it as a magic rock, and myself as a Magician with all the tools to make it disappear or shrink. But the realisation dawned on me that this boulder is a landmark. It will never go away. It is the turning point in my life where I realised late last night it is part of me. Instead of trying to move it, or magic it away, i must intimately get to know every nook and cranny. Every bump and crack. Get to know this monstrous boulder so well that I become comfortable with what it is. What it stands for. There is a reason for this. I will explain further on.
As humans we run from grief. Pain. Suffering. We think “why me?” Or “this is unfair”. We obsess over our regrets. Our mistakes. Our imperfections. We beat ourselves up and slump next to these boulders or stagnating pools and give up. We rot in a sense in our own self made misery. On the surface we are together and happy happy joy joy. But those of us who pine for inner calm. Who have this self destructive tendency to stay at this boulder and not intimately face the grief and pain and regret. We let it swallow us and control us.
Looking at this image from the traditional style deck we can see the figure is facing the sadness. The loss. The mistakes. The regret. Now imagine bending down and picking up the cups, touching them, looking, grieving. Feel and think all you need to for each cup. Take as long as you need to. Take each cup to the stream. Rinse it clean. Then carefully place it down upright and neatly. Do the same for each. Leave them there, by that stream. Do not bring them with you. Go back to the stream. Kneel down. Wash your face. Your hands. Dry them on your mourning cloak. Now pull the hood back off your head and walk to where your 3 rinsed cups are standing and sit with them. Reflect if you need to. Know that these cups symbolise something that was dear to you. And realise that until you clean up the mess you will always be lured back with those familiar feelings. I think once we tidy up it will in time not be so painful when we cross paths with this place again. Because no doubt we will. This experience is adding to our growth. This moment and all the moments before are part of your story. Part of you. So me thinking I could magically make that boulder disappear was childish.
I now realise that I must make my way around the boulder. It will always be there. It is part of my travel route. So once we are at peace with accepting the sorrow and regret or whatever keeps us stuck there for what it is, turn around and collect up the 2 remaining untarnished upright cups. Look at them and see what hope and promise remains in them. Hold them in your hands or place them in your bag and begin travelling on. In my case it is around that gigantic rock in my path. I must be careful not to lose the 2 cups in my journey. But realising that I can not stay at this boulder or push it out of the way, nor magically make it disappear has been a process! The 5 of cups has long been symbolic of my situation and the card that stands in my way. The key here is acknowledging that no amount of disappointment, hurt, regret or sorrow will change the past. It will not move the boulder. The key is accepting that it is what it is. Will we spend our lives in sorrow and disappointment, or will we find a way around our roadblocks or muddy swamps? There is no time limit for grief, but it must not take over our life and our path.
I am certain I will revisit this landmark from time to time. But I will have left it so tidy and remember it as a place that changed me for the better.
“So grieve, then get on with new perspectives as emotions are only fresh and clean when moving forward, Never be afraid to apologize if you are in the wrong will help you move forward as well.. To hold to past expectations, is to putrefy your emotional self, who then is mired in past fantasy which can only be supported by denial. You are worth love and kindness and if your relationships are not supportive—–support yourself and move on! Spirit is action and matter is crystallization so the idea is to keep expanding your emotional awareness so that you don’t solidify into a mire of putrefaction” Eli Serabeth – LS Merchantile
So these are just some thoughts to ponder. Much love to you on your own path xx